The BEST/WORST break up lines

Sorry it’s not you it’s me. I just feel we’ve grown apart as people. I think of you as more of a brother.

And then of course the killer one…We can still be friends though? NO.

In what world would you ever consider being friends with someone after they use a bullshit excuse to get out of a relationship. I mean really, the whole 'I'm not ready for commitment'  or ‘You can do better than me’ is getting really old. If someone was going to break up with you the least they can do is to make it a little more creative, for example ‘Sorry love but I’ve recently been diagnosed with a rare illness which will prevent you and only you from being able to come near me… like ever. Maybe one day I’ll recover, but doctors have informed me due to my severe case, there is a possibility it may be terminal.’ Now that is a break up line I would like to hear…

Back in the simple days of Mark Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet, there wasn’t really such thing as these lousy break up lines nonsense. They simply found their match, got hitched, raised a few children (preferably males, females were usually a disappointment) and then grew old and died together. They were literally mating breeding machines with fancy dresses and bad teeth. However the Master of the house was usually having his way with the staff and then banishing them or even worse beheading them (Henry VIII, he was awfully harsh like that) when the first lady of waiting would end up knocked up with his bastard child. When you put it in that light a shoddy break up line sounds better than having your head chopped off.

Don’t feel deflated though it’s happened to the best of us even celebrities. Take a look at Brad and Jen, wedding bells were in the air until trout pout Angelina came along and knocked ‘Bennifer’ out of the picture and claimed the title of ‘Brangelina’. Imagine that scenario, ‘Sorry Jen, I just feel that in the last few months of me filiming my new film ‘Mr&Mrs Smith’ which will be released in a few weeks, with some kickass action,a movie not to be missed. We have grown apart and Angie was there for me, lips and all.’

Awkward.

So don’t feel embarrassed if you have been a victim of a cruddy break up line. Giver or receiver, we have been there and here a few selections of the best/worst break up lines given/received from the public (these have remained anonymous out of respect to their previous ‘relationships’)

GIVEN: Found out my ex cheated on me, didn't let on I knew, gave him head, he came so I kept it in my mouth and made out with him. I put it all in his mouth and pulled away, he threw up, I called him a prick explained I knew he cheated and split up with him then and there.

RECEIVED: Sorry I’m purposefully indie.

GIVEN: I dumped my best friend's boyfriend on her behalf by acting as if it was us breaking up because he didn't get on with me. I basically said: "I'm sorry, but every time you're around me, I feel like you don't want me near you. You don't like to talk to me on the phone and always want my friend instead. It's definitely not me, it's you." His reply was: "Is this coming from your friend or you?" He soon got the hint though.

RECEIVED: One guy said to me we were in an open relationship, I would be your proper boyfriend but you’re a little to fat.

GIVEN: After a phone call telling me he was about to get laid off, with my friend in my ear shouting ‘ DO IT DO IT’ I broke up with him, my only explanation – I’m sorry you have straight ginger pubes. Oops.

RECEIVED: I was on a night out about 4am in the morning, I was getting a kebab (standard Newquay night) he rang me to say I’m moving out now because I know your actually a lesbian, I was like what...then when I got home the next day he moved out and stole my cat.

GIVEN: Sorry I'm actually straight.

RECEIVED: He broke up with me because he fell down my stairs, then said I pushed him and tried to get me done for GBH and lets clear it up - I did no such thing.

GIVEN: There was one time while living in London I got with a lass who was a twat, her friend was a lovely lass looks and personality wise. We liked each other so when it came to finishing the other I dropped the classic "I think it would be better if we see other people"...once agreed to I had to ask "How would you feel about the other person I saw being _____?"

RECEIVED: He broke up with me by getting my ex-friend to ring him of his phone and say he cant see me tonight as she is sleeping with him – wow.

GIVEN: Feeling a bit frisky one night, went to go down on her, went to the bathroom looked in the mirror, noticed blood all over my face. Went back in, punched her in the face and left. She had to go.

RECEIVED: Me 'where do I stand' him 'stand wherever the f*ck you like'

RECEIVED: My ex boyfriend broke up with me the morning after we had a foursome.

RECEIVED: He broke up with me outside a club because previously before we were together I had met a guy who I shared a sexual encounter outside the club with. I went back into the club, he went home and then next day came crawling back.

Fanuary - Fan or Foe?

Move over Movember and hello Fanuary!

As we start the year with the winter winds blowing in our faces, the newly fallen snow giving us erect nips and the rain ruining our new hair do; In Fanuary the one thing us ladies can count on to keep us warm... our fro down below.

Now it's all for a good cause ladies, the whole point of this 'blossoming' month is to raise awareness for  cervical cancer which we should all be aware of. This is the month where women are encouraged to 'Take the Pearl Pledge' in order to protect themselves, other women, mothers, daughters, granddaughters etc.

But when it comes to our lady garden, how do we choose to present ourselves. Are you feeling the more natural look down there and rocking the cave woman hair (or should I say scare) fest? Or perhaps the more conservative trimmed and tidy look? Or do you dare to bare and have it as bald as the day you were born? So in the month of Fanuary when we are encouraged to 'unleash the beast' and go back to the 70's, are ladies more than willing to feel like they have the 6th member of the Jackson five between their legs or are we a little timid about resisting the razor for a month?

If this is the case, then don't be ashamed to want to be tamed, check out these 6 different 'haircuts' which might be more suited to you and your fu.

So whether you are a fan or foe of Fanuary how about giving your VJJ a little style this year...

Sexy lingerie: Dressing for you or your partner?

What will it be tonight....

Red lacey matching thong and bra? Black satin push up with stockings and suspenders? Frilly frenchies and a figure hugging corset? Or how about those daring crotcheless knickers and a peep hole bra?

OR

Would you really prefer to be tucked up in bed wearing your comfy Bridget Jones knickers, reading a Jane Austin novel fantasizing about Mark Darcy emerging from the water looking like some kind of 19th century SEX GOD.

Theres no bigger turn on than 'dressing to impress' in the bedroom and pleasing your man with what your mamma gave you. If you are wanting to spice the old sex life up and get him really hot under the collar, it's nothing a little fashion show in some of your best smalls can't fix. In addition, one of the bonuses of 'dressing up' is getting your lover to undress you bit-by-bit if you know what I'm saying...

But when we decide to give our partners a little extra treat, do we get a thrill from wearing our frillies as much as they do?  It's a known fact that the majority of ladies wont shy away from going all out to buy nice clothes to make us look good. They say feeling confident in your appearance is key for making us feel like a total goddess. But does this apply to underwear too, do we want to look as irresistible underneath our clothes as we do with the outfits we wear day to day? Or in actual fact are we just lazy and only pull out the good stuff when you know you'l be getting the 'good stuff'...

I took to the streets of Guildford to find out how women really feel about sexy lingerie and if its purely for him or just as much for her....

A sales assistant in the underwear store 'Boux Avenue' said 'In here where I see a lot of different people and do a lot of bra fittings, some ladies bring their partners and then the men go round and choose what they like. The ladies then try it on and go 'I don't like that' all the red and the black stuff but most of the time they buy the lingerie for themselves to feel good.'

20 year old Natasha said 'If I have a man then I'l dress up for him but if I'm on my own i'l pretty much wear the worst underwear I can find aslong as I'm comfortable.'

34 year old Ana said 'I think wearing nice underwear is definitely for yourself and for your self esteem, like when you buy new clothes you feel better about yourself so you pull your posture better and feel sexier. It's definitely for your man as well because its obviously not a bad sight to see yourself in new underwear and definitely spices things up in the bedroom.' 

26 year old Linda said 'I think it's important to dress up for your man I mean I use to do it all the time for example maids outfits, crotchless pants, anything. But I think looking sexy is really important and makes you feel good about yourself and who doesn't like to look hot.'

I think its safe to say that women get as much enjoyment playing dress up as much as our partners too. Even when wearing matching bra and pants you can't help but feel a sense of sensuality, this goes out for the singletons out their too. Single or taken  - matching bra and pants is always a winner!

So ladies if you are in need of a confidence boost or feel that you are lacking that certain spark in your life, pop down to your local underwear store and invest in the best.... whether you are dressing for you OR for your man.

The Pro's of being a FagHag

According to the Office National of statistics (ONS) there are 481,000 Gay/Lesbians in the UK and 245,000 bisexuals.

54.6% of these individuals are gay men; now the statistic of the camp Louie Spence's I do not know, but what I do know is these are the BESTEST kind of friends to have.

Like a blind person needs their trusting guide dog, everygirl needs herself a man. But I'm not talking about just any kind of guy, no she needs the mincing man himself her 'BGFF' Best Gay Friend Forever. These friends are nothing short of fabulous and a definite essential in any gal's life. Not only do they give you the best inside information on how a guy's brain really works ( a mystery to all women), they provide us with the Do's and Don'ts within the wardrobe department. Whilst we are on the subject of departments, when it comes to sleepovers and spooning, spooning leading into forking NEVER is a problem. In addition, you don't have to worry about waking up the next day with the dreaded fear of catching a glimpse of you with no makeup on and untamed bed hair, for the simple reason, they are gay!

So here are the top 5 reasons why being a 'FagHag'  is the best...

Numero Un: Who else is going to tell you that you arse actually does look fat in those jeans? Girlfriends always want to make you feel better about yourself; you know the whole building up your friend's self-esteem thing. On the other hand your BGFF will be brutally honest and tell you like it is which may leave you feeling a little wounded that we weren't all blessed with a JLo booty. But you will thank him in the end for saving you the embarrassment of displaying your sizable muffin top to the world.

Numero Deux: Having a guy as your best friend (gay or straight) is a massive advantage at times as they can dish the dirt on how a man really thinks. The classic case of Shall I text him? Does he like me? If I sleep with him on the first night, will he think I'm a slut? These things he can answer truthfully, even if it the answer isn't the one you want to hear, for example: No you have only just text him 30 seconds ago, relax! He does like you but you need to play it cool and stop facebook stalking him. And of course, The quicker you put out, the quicker he loses interest.

Numero Trois: If you ever find yourself in the middle of an arguement, don't panic all you need is your secret weapon - your BGFF. No one can talk the talk the way your feminine friend can. As the saying goes HATERZ GUNNA HATE.

Numero Quatre: One of the best things about having a BGFF is when you're in need of saving from some drunken 'lad' who thinks he can grab you like a gypsy from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I DON'T THINK SO! This is when you're mincing shining knight in Prada can step in and pretend to be your ever loving boyfriend.

Numero Cinq: Last but not least, the best thing about having a BGFF is the fact that you have a bestfriend who will be there for you no matter what, comfort you in your hour of need and will love you unconditionally. Also he won't mind watching every episode of Sex and The City with you whilst you both bitch about who would mostly be like Samantha and  how no-one would ever want to be compared to Miranda.

A best friend with impeccable taste, shares your interest in men AND  protects you like a boyfriend... what more could you want?

Help, Im dating my dad

There is always that one guy we can rely on in a girls life, the guy that is always their for us through thick and thin, whom we can count on to get us through our daily challenges and always depend on.... no I'm not talking about Gok Wan, I'm talking about our dads. Dads are like belly buttons; it’s a part of you that you may not necessarily need however every person is born with one. Yes we can count on our fathers to be our protector, provider and comforter. But there does come a time in every girl’s life when the innocent child that our daddies love and cherish develops into a mature woman. And like every woman, we have needs even if our dad doesn't approve. So as the circle of life goes: we're born, we grow up, we spend our lives 'trying' to find a mate and if you happen to be one of the lucky ones and succeed in doing this, you breed, teach, nurture, care, get old and then die. You know how it goes.

However in this process there is one tricky little thing that most of us have to endure… dating. Now dating is like Russian roulette, you never quite know what you’re going to get. Sometimes you feel you have finally found your soul mate and do some sort of Rocky style victory dance, pumping  fists in the air with accomplishment. Other times you feel like faking an epileptic fit just to get you out of the disaster date which one of your friends probably set up for you. However soldiering on like the strong independent women we are, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and patiently carry on trying on different fellas to see which one fits best.

But when it comes choosing our potential life partners, the common traits that women look for in their partner is the usual factors to protect her , provide for her and comfort her… does this remind you of anyone.  In reality when it comes to relationships we are looking for similar qualities as a ‘father’ figure. Ever heard of the saying ‘I feel like I’ve known him my whole life’ it’s probably more appropriate than you think, weighing up your boyfriend and your dad’s personality traits the most likely result is that in actual fact they are the same person. Now of course I’m not saying that we are now going to be let loose in the streets preying on the next guy wearing cord jeans and a tweed waistcoat,  no one wants to be reminded of the guy who changed their behinds as an infant as the new guy who now gropes it. 

Dr. Peggy Drexler has even wrote on a book on this matter ‘Our Fathers Ourselves: Daughters, Fathers and the Changing Amercian Family.’

In the book Dr. Drexler stated 'One interesting finding was that many women said they demanded good treatment from romantic partners because of the way their dads had treated them - both good and bad. Some women liked the gallantry with which their dads had treated them and demanded it from their boyfriends; others were so wounded by their fathers' insensitivity that they refused to tolerate it from the men they dated.’

So In conclusion I guess Freud was right, daughters want to marry their dads and sons secretly want to marry their mothers. Who’d of thought it hey!

Ah well, it’s not all bad at least you know that you’re mum will like them ;)